In Honor Of Monday...

...I bought a new dress. Perfect for the office. A little cool this morning so will add a scarf.  And some sensible pumps.

For those that don't know what I look like, this is me.  For those that do know what I look like.  Pretend this is me.

Things That Happened At Work This Week

1. Walked into a meeting and Ron Weasley was sitting there. Turned to my left and Ron Perlman during his Beauty and The Beast years was there. Neither of them responded to the name, Ron. Nor were they amused. Ron and Ron have no sense of humor.
2. Sat through a 2 hour road-map discussion on something and made a lot of notes which made me look very smart. And interested. Pretty sure I have just written my first novel.
3. Ate my lunch.
4. Got reprimanded by the parking guy. Apparently I was going 17 miles per hour in a 10 mile zone. Showed my displeasure by winding my window up while he was still talking. He won't do that again.
5. Had my new employee stop by so we could brainstorm on digital strategies. Talked about boys. Think we have it covered.
6. Wore several excellent outfits - saw no one on those days. However, saw everyone on the day when I was looking a bit skanky. There is no justice in the world.
7. Wrote a lot of lists. Thinking about starting the tasks next week. Just need to write a list of steps to take to get started.
8. Had a meeting with 8 people in my office. I wanted to squeeze more in and go for the record but they moved to a conference room and it's hard to set a record all by yourself. These people are no fun.
9. Knocked out some handstands.  Wasn't easy. Or attractive
10. Broke the printer.  Shh.

A Summary of My Current Business

You know when shows do a recap or make an episode out of old episodes and try and pretend like they're doing you a favor so you can get caught up or reminisce when really they're being cheap and lazy? I love that.  I'm doing that right now. And I'm linking back to the relevant posts so you have to read them again.  It's a win win.  For me.  You - eh, not so much.

• Entertainment Details Critic - this is a new one and I didn't even know it was a business until I wrote about it yesterday.  Pretty sure all the entertainment companies are going to want me.  And I'm going to have to watch a lot of TV and movies.  And you know what that means?  Popcorn.  And wine.  Everyone knows you can't critique anything without wine.
• Cat toupees - I foresee an enormous need for these.  And a never-ending supply of material to make them.  They're sustainable, fashionable, they blend right in and no glue is needed.*

Grandma Toupee.

• Graphs and Presentations - if you have the data, I have the graph for you.  I don't want to hear any complaints about it not making sense, the important thing is it's in a graph format and you have paid me. I will also throw in a free decision tree or flowchart.   I put all my life information in a graph or spreadsheet.  It's not OCD, it's completely normal.

• Photo Touch-ups and Edits - probably my best business.  Because of my talents. Here's a little reminder:

 

• Cake Decorator - give me any design and I will decorate a cake perfectly for you. As long as you want a round or square cake with nothing on it.

All my cakes smile at me.  Before I cook them.  #CakeCruelty

• Carrot Carver - you might think that there is not a lot of call for this. You are correct.

Easter Island Carrot.  It's true, I have some free time.

• Beauty Adviser - I can help you with your hair, your waxing needs and makeup application. No questions asked. No refunds either**.

1.A smoky eye will really make your face pop. 2. Waxing is not easy and often you will rip the skin from the inside of your lip.  Which is also actually hard for most people to do but not a problem for me. 3. Ask me how to do any type of braid.  This is what you'll get but ask me anyway.

• Vet - If your pet has a booboo, I have a bandaid.  If your pet's leg falls off, I have a bandaid.  If you pet has cancer, I have a bandaid.  If your pet dies, I put a bandaid on you.  And I have a cupcake.

Long-suffering cat.  But completely healed.  By a bandaid.  Note: Eye has still not grown back, will try Mickey Mouse bandaid instead

• Dressing myself - you might not see this as business but in order for me to be effective in all my other business lines, I need to have clothes on. Generally. I got this.

• Kids Birthday Gift Bag Pairings - this is not the norm.  Most companies offer to cater, plan or provide the decorations.  My service is much more specific.  And therefore, useful. I carefully look at the animal pairings for toy animals going into a gift bag for animal/zoo themed birthday parties. I'm not sold on just doing kids so if you have a need, reach out. 

The average and untrained person would put a corgi with an alligator and an armadillo.  Ridiculous.  Everyone knows that Armadillo's and Corgis are best friends and will totally shut out the Gator, making him feel like a third wheel and then he will eat them and that child will end up with just one animal in his gift bag. Is that what you people want??

*Or advised. Although I did have a crack at it. Rubber bands for securing toupee to head are also not advised as they lead to a condition called "scratched and bleeding". Just pop it on top and walk behind the cat so you can keep picking it up and putting it back.
**Cannot promise you will (a) not lose your hair (b) not lose your skin (c) look good.

Why Must They Take Liberties...

I just watched a recent episode of Once Upon A Time. I don't know if you follow it but Emma had forgotten about her previous life and now she's remembered so she and Henry have to go on a trip*. She makes him breakfast, he eats one bite and gets up. She pours orange juice and puts it on the kitchen counter. Then they leave, unlikely to come back. So irresponsible. Who (a) doesn't finish breakfast? Only the most important meal of the day (b) leaves it there to rot without doing the dishes and (c) doesn't put the orange juice back in the fridge. I want a rewrite. "Emma and Henry eat up all their breakfast, wash the dishes, throw out all the food that might rot and take out the trash before leaving on their trip."

Then a similar thing happened again in a book I was reading.  The heroine had planned a special dinner for her hero, they got caught up in the romance of it all, one thing led to another and all of sudden no one is having dinner because they are otherwise engaged on the floor**.  Then the chapter ends.  What the hell was for dinner?!!?  Does anyone else care?  In the book that I am never writing, there are full descriptions of what everyone ate, they always finished their meals and tidied up and there was no having a couple of bites and then losing their appetite.  Everyone has very healthy appetites and manages to eat even in the face of tragedy. 

Revolution.  Anyone else watch that?  Where are they getting their clothes from?  They lost power multiple years ago and you know that with all the hardships they endure, the clothes they had pre-power loss days would not have lasted.  I have seen no sign of anyone spinning away on a spinning wheel or shuttling the shuttley thing through a loom.  And don't get me started on their hair.  Ok, I'll just start a little bit on the hair.  Not once have I seen them wash it, yet it's the best hair ever.  Must remember to stop washing mine and take it into heavy gunfire battles on a regular basis. Apparently it needs to be rinsed in blood. 

*Not a spoiler alert because I am far too lazy to explain this so that it makes sense.
**Am thankful they didn't use the table. Where dinner was waiting. 

Punishments That Fit The Crime

There are a lot of people that get off too easily after committing crimes, offenses and generally annoying me. I'm working on a system that will punish them accordingly. Hoping to get this passed into law - it will be known as Special K's Law and people will be very grateful and will show it by contributing money to my campaign. Which will be known as my vacation campaign. I need some help on getting this enacted as I did not pay attention to the American Government lesson when I was at school. So much so that I don't know if I missed it or they just didn't teach it. There is a possibility that since I was in New Zealand, we didn't care and focused on our own system. I might have missed that as well.

So if anyone knows how I do this, please let me know. So far calls to the White House have gone unreturned and also I am lazy.

1. If you do not use your indicator (turn signal), you will be forced to drive blindfolded. Still working the kinks out in this one as there is potential for others to be hurt. So maybe these people will be segregated and forced to drive on a section of the freeway by themselves with a blindfold on until they have learned their lesson.  Very possibly they will die doing this which will be a very harsh lesson.  But necessary.  
2. If you steal, you lose a finger. If you are stupid enough to keep stealing, you lose another one. For the very stupid, say goodbye to your toes as well. I realize this is not a new concept in some countries, we just need to enforce it here.  I am willing to adopt some sort of sliding scale as obviously when I "borrow" some cake from someone, that is not stealing whereas when someone "borrows" a car without asking, that is clearly stealing.
3. If you steal my cake, well that is a whole different story and you will be very sorry.
4. If you are abusive to an animal, you should be shut up in a cage with a bunch of angry and hungry tigers.  Or cobras.  You choose*.  I personally would choose cobras.  And not Mozambique ones because apparently they hit you in the eye with their venom every time.  Black-necked cobra is a little less accurate.  Hang on - have just checked National Geographic and apparently even if they bite you and you get venomed** it's not going to kills you and you could bite off its head which would definitely kill them.  Sorry, no cobras, you now have to choose between Tigers and Crocodiles. 
5. If you talk to me when I am reading my book, you will lose your tongue.  This seems harsh but if you think about it, I am obviously reading a book which means I do not want to talk to you.  So make an appointment.  Actually if you talk to me at all when I don't want you to, you will lose your tongue.  Unfortunately it will be difficult for you to know how I am feeling so best to just send an email...
6. If you eat with your mouth open in front of other people, they will be allowed to stick something in it.  Called a venomous spider.  That'll learn you real quick...
7. If you cough and do not cover your mouth, you will be placed in a sealed room full of small children with snotty noses.  For a week.
8. If you touch someone's car stereo without asking, they will be allowed to go into your car, change all the seat and heat settings and completely reprogram your stereo.  It's not cool. Just don't do it.

*See, I am not completely unreasonable.  
**Might not be a thing. 

Conversations I Have Had That Have Been Awkward For Them

• Recent conversation with a guy I dated for a month more than a year ago before he changed his mind. Initially I thought he was stupid but now I have realized he was just stupid. Also - when you look at my profile on LinkedIn, I can tell...

Him: Hi*.
Me: Hi.
Him: How have you been? (He left off the rest of the sentence which should have been "since I just stopped responding and completely ignored you").
Me: Good. (I want to forgive and forget but actually I don't)
Him: We should have a drink sometime.
Me: Expletive.
Him: Oh. Ok. I drive past your house all the time and always slow down to see if I can see you.
Me: That must be awkward for the people that live there now.
Him: Silence.
Me: Good chatting with you.

Normally I would be nicer but I'm not. So there's that.

• Person meeting me for the first time:

Them: Oh wow, where do you come from?
Me: West Hollywood.
Them: Confused look.
Me: Silence.

•  Awkward traffic encounters:

**Them: Honking their horn and cussing me out because I have half pulled over in the lane.
Me: Serenely sitting there until the ambulance that, by law I am required to pull over for, has passed.
Them: Offering up a very poor imitation of an apology by steadfastly looking straight ahead and refusing to meet my condemning eyes. 

• When following a girl in your car who is walking home, don't stop it in the middle of the street and get out to talk to her.  The cars behind you don't like it.  Neither does she.

Albino Rapper emerging from out of his car accompanied by a marijuana cloud: Hi, can I....
Me: No.

*His intros are always really good and make me want to respond with all kinds of detail about what I've been doing.
**Technically this is the other way around but that would make it awkward for me and this post is about awkwardness for others. Also, I am working on turning my car stereo down so as to better hear the ambulances. So I have awarded myself points for that. Points are also known as cake. I am eating cake for failing to pull over for a police car/ambulance/fire truck. I work on a slightly different reward system.

Nike Fuel Band

Recently a friend gave me a Nike Fuel Band and then I was lucky enough to attend a Nike event where I received another one. I'm now double-wristing fuel bands.  No big deal.  I'm exhausted. This is a great free plug for Nike here so Nike you should send me lots of clothes and shoes. Size 7. Thanks. 

I really want to provide you with a detailed description of what the fuel band does but (a) I'm still waiting on all those free clothes and shoes and (b) something wrong with your fingers?  #googleit*.  

For those that don't know, I used to work for Nike and will always be loyal which is why my workouts don't go as well when I mix my brands. Which I would never do. Except for that one time when I bought a LuluLemon top today.

When I was there, there was no such thing as the Fuel Band** - I had the chip in my shoe for recording my runs and I had the Nike Training Club app on my phone. Just to be clear, having those things is not the same as doing and using them. But I enjoyed having them very much. And now I have this. And it's pretty cool but there are a couple of issues*:

1. It does not award me fuel points for breathing, which I consistently do all day long. Sometimes in the evening, I stop for a while but everyone deserves a break now and then. Some days I will sit (or lie down if I'm very tired) and breathe the shit out of my lungs and nothing.
2. It does not award me fuel points for blinking. On several occasions I batted my eyelashes and there were no visible points given for that.  Why penalize me for being sexy, Nike?
3. If I don't do enough, I think it's very uncool to remind me that I am lazy. Every day.
4. I am a very restless sleeper - sadly, I think this is where I get most of my points. I have a pretty high target of 12.  A day.  Which is an improvement on 12.  A week.
5. It syncs with the app on my phone - it's watching me all the time.  I'm afraid to take it off.  I'm afraid of a bracelet.  Since when did we let accessories rule the world??
6. It wants me to challenge myself with friends.  So, now it's reminding me that I have no friends?  Not a friendship bracelet.
7. You can't use this as a transporter****.  I have tried many times and it will not beam you up anywhere. 
8. Apparently I can wear it in the shower - now it needs to see me naked?  What next, commentary on my problem areas.  Of which there are none.  From the ankles down.

*Been dying to use that.  Wish I'd started that as thing.  I need a thing.  Cake is my thing.
**Apparently the Company was still able to be successful without me.  I did not see that coming. 
***You can thank me later, Nike. Once you've resolved these, I think the product is really going to take off.
****If you don't know this is from Star Trek, then we can't be friends.

Graphs With Completely Useless Information

I also keep tabs on my body image and how I am looking when I leave the house every day.  Based on the stats below, it's not good.  I had hoped as I got older, things would improve but this is not the case.  The data doesn't lie.

I am not clear what exactly putting this in graph form does/shows but I've never used this donut one before.

If you need to use one of these charts in a presentation, you are welcome.  For a small fee.  Fee flow chart is below and will assist you in determining whether or not you need to send me money:

Stats Update

It's been a while since I updated you on all the stats in my life and I've received many requests* for this information so for all of you** who wrote in, here you go.

New Readers: 0
Existing Readers: 2
Existing Readers that are cats: 1
Existing readers that are not cats: Me.
Amount of Money I have made from this blog: $7.48
Amount of Money I have donated to this blog: $7.44
Price of Subscription I am thinking of charging: $1 million***
Subscription cost for one cat: $1 million. Cat has expensive tastes. And no money. Or pockets. Or trousers. Can someone buy my cat some trousers so he has pockets to put his million dollars in so he can buy a subscription to my blog?
Religious requests to shut down my blog because of apparently subversive messages: 1
Response to the above: Very rude.
No. of compliments I have had on my hair: Very few.
Dates I have been on: 12****
No. of times I have mentioned "cake" on my blog: 54
No. of times I have eaten cake while simultaneously mentioning it on my blog: Whatever I write here will be a lie. Let's just move on.
New hobbies I have taken up: 7
Lies I have told about new hobbies I have taken up: 7
Mirrors I have knocked off the side of my car: I don't want to talk about it

*Actually none.
**Which was none of you. I mean does no one care about whether my Tupperware has all it's matching lids? There's some very cold people out there.
***Can't remember how many zeroes so had to write it out. Abacus is on the fritz.
****And by 12, I mean zero.

St Patrick's Day

In honor of St Patrick's Day which I missed because it was yesterday and I wore brown to work, I have written a limerick. Which I had to Google because initially I wrote a haiku*. Confusing my poetry styles, how very hipster of me.

There once was a lady** named Special K
Who couldn't rhyme if you paid her.
She thought about having a drink on St Paddy's
But went to Yoga instead.

So, this was good, no? I think I'm improving. Maybe one more...

There once was a Kiwi named Special K
Who had made her home in LA
She had plans to become a big star***
None of which went very far.
So she started an exceedingly witty blog**** in the hopes of making money
And all of you who read this, just donated a $1. Haha. Funny.
With the donations building up, she now has one dollar to spend
Looks like the St Paddy's festivities will never end.

If I wasn't being on my best behavior on this blog then this could have really taken a downward spiral. Maybe I need a secret blog where I can not behave as well...you will have to pay a membership fee.  Any takers?

*If you believed this then you give me too much credit. I'm lucky if I can make my walk rhyme with talk. Which I just did but that was hours of work. Twerk.
**Pushing it, I know...but "There once was a cheap slapper..." doesn't roll off the tongue so well and one shouldn't give oneself nicknames.
***Not really, I know my limits
****Results of a poll of one. And a cat.

Things I would Do If I Had Time...And Knew How To

1. Track down all the clothes I have given away to charity over the years. I just want to see if they went to a good home. Some of it, I'm going to need back.
2. I thought this would be longer. Turns out, that's all I would do.
3. I might write more on this another time.  Probably not...

Just Your Average Thursday Night

Brushed my cat.  Made him a toupee.

Toupee blends easily with the hair you have.

Comfort level of custom toupee is high - one hardly knows one is wearing it...

Side view - even when one shakes one's head vigorously, it doesn't fall off.  And even when it does, you just pick it up and run around behind the cat until you can hold him down and force him to wear it again*.

Top view.  One is getting on in years and now has a grey toupee

Early stages of the fitting.  The less impressed and what the hell is going on stage...

I know what you're thinking.  Should have made him an eye. An eye out of fur.  You people are ridiculous.  I am however thinking of fashioning it into a patch...

*No cats were hurt in the making and fitting of the custom toupee.  They were however very pissed off and felt undignified.

A Mathematical Equation

You know how there are those equations where you take a number, do mathematical stuff to it and it always works out? Like this: Think of a number. Double it. Add six. Half it. Take away the number you started with. The answer is always 3.
 
I have one of those. But it's a little more advanced. Don't feel bad if you have to use a calculator.

Take your age - subtract 2. Add 2. That is your age.

It works every time too. 
 

This is actually true.  I have eaten a lot of chocolate and I can count 15 pieces in the picture.

Yoga - An Update

I now go to the world's best yoga studio - Yoga at the Raven. I'm kind of like one of those beautiful yoga people you see always walking around with their mats in their beautiful outfits and long flowing hair. Am just missing beautiful outfit and long flowing hair. Got the mat though. For those that didn't read my previous yoga post, I have just now figured out how I can link past posts and make you read or reread it. Actually very simple but we all have our challenges - only took 144 posts to make this happen. Am going to work this in to every post from now on. This is really going to up my page views. Please up my page views. 

Am still very much a beginner and have yet to master:

• Unrolling my mat and keeping it unrolled - slippery little bugger.  I go to sit down and all of a sudden it's behind me and I'm on the floor.  I just act cool and yoga-like.  So far only everyone has noticed. 
• Breathing - you know I really think my parents are to blame for this.  A little more attention to my breathing growing up and I would be able to slide into ahnsnsjajajhs* no problem.  Breathing is supposed to help you achieve some of the most difficult poses.  Just breathe and lift your body off the floor, piking up into a handstand, they said.  I breathed.  Then some more.  Little finger moved.  I'm going to call that "nailed it'.
• Chanting - so when we start, we begin with one or more "oms".  I feel like I have to confess something.  I can't make it through a single om.  My breath just runs out (see above for reasons why.  My parents).  So I do a sneaky double breath and jump right back in there.  I double om a single om.  Take that, om.  This past weekend I went to a different instructor and she was full on chanting, scared the crap out of me because my eyes were closed and I was just waiting for my om.  She was pretty amazing and then when she finished a series of words, everyone in the class repeated them with the same intonations and cadence.  Everyone except one.  Not me.  This other person.  Who was a statue.  I tried, I really did but part way through I would forget the words and have to do a little "boopity bop, itsy bitsy spider ramalamadingdong" and hope that no one noticed.  I cracked an eye open at one point and no one seemed to have noticed my variation.  Then I opened my eye again to see if anyone had noticed that my eye was open**.  I considered a drum solo but didn't want anyone to notice my lack of rhythm.  Hard to believe that you can be out of tune while chanting but again "nailed it."
• All poses - sometimes there are a lot of us as it's very popular and we're stacked up side by side which makes me nervous because I like to stay in my little spot at the back corner.  With the statue that has spiky prongs on it that sometimes attack you.  I always try and bow to it first to ward off potential attacks but sometimes I think it takes issue with my style.  Anyway, one wrong move in tree pose*** and you will knock the whole row down like a domino effect.  Tempting I know and if I hadn't had experience up the mountain taking out a bunch of ski school youngsters all lined up, I might try it.  Kids bounce, not sure about yogis.  

Thinking of having this made since I am so good.

Out of a possible 40. 

 I do have a couple of pointers:

•  No moisturizer.   You will transition way too quickly from Downward Dog to Flat on the Mat.   On the other hand it might make it easier to slide your leg behind your head.  Not for me but that's because my head is too big and I get a yogi pass**** on that one.
• A towel - I did not know I was going to sweat in yoga.   I thought I was going to lay down on a mat and then feel world peace.  Which I do but first I have to work hard and sweat.  Some of the guys take their shirts off.  I don't.  But I watch them to make sure they do it right.
• Corpse pose or Shavasana (I thought the English name was "Nap on a Mat" but my Sanskrit is off) comes very naturally to me. It's important to lie there like you are dead and not move.  I never completely relax though in case I fall asleep and wake up to a chalk outline. Also, watch your snoring.  If you interrupt my corpse posing, I will hit you with my block.

Not a yoga mat...

*I don't know what this is but I believe it's very difficult.  Also, not a pose. 
**Also to make sure no one was cheating and had their eyes open.  All good. 
***Check me out, name dropping my poses 
****Also I have now invented a new thing called Yogi Passes.  For when I can't do something.  A yogi pass strongly resembles cake but it's very different 

Daylight Savings

For my reader in Cyprus - you're new. Thanks for reading. BTW - I'm on daylight savings now. Just in case you tried to call and got no answer. Also. Please don't call, I don't know who you are.

Generally daylight savings doesn't mess me up but yesterday morning, it was near impossible to get up and exercise. So I didn't. It was close to impossible to get up and go to work but I didn't think a $5 cancellation fee was going to work with my boss. So I went. But my hair was Sunday's hair and so was my attitude.

Why don't they* start it on a Friday night so we can have the weekend to get over it? Someone without a job made that rule up. The only good thing is that now you don't have to remember to run around and change all your clocks. With the exception of car (or at least mine, there are probably fancier ones that will do it), stove, microwave and VCR, everything else pretty much updates itself.

I did find some interesting facts** on Daylight Savings though:

1. Lord Howe Island in Australia just does a half hour shift. Isn't that just so typical.
2. There's a spike in heart attacks during the first week of daylight saving time, according to a study published in 2008. Next time I will be telling my boss I couldn't come in because Daylight Savings gave me a heart attack. Which is somewhat true, I was very surprised to hear it was happening already. My heart gave a small jump,. And not for joy. Possibly due to a clog from a cookie earlier in the day...
3. People are safer drivers during Daylight Savings.  I personally believe this, I find it much easier to read my texts in the daylight than when I am driving at night.
4. In 2005, Kazakhstan abolished daylight saving time, citing negative health effects. The country's government reportedly calculated that 51.6 percent of Kazakhs responded badly to the time change. Seems a very slim margin - could have gone either way...bet 48.4% of people are still pissed about it. It's probably what they ask when they meet someone new "So were you for or against?"
5. Daylight Savings results in an decrease of cake sales.  With more daylight hours, the calories can be seen as opposed to when eaten in the dark.  If you can't see them, they can't see you and you won't put on weight.  This seems scientifically sound.
6. Your hair will grow more during the Daylight Savings period.  Just because.  I made that up because I want longer hair.

*And for the record, who is they? Who made the Daylight Savings rule? The only places that don't do it are China, countries near the equator, and the US States of Hawaii and Arizona. So there must be a worldwide body that governs this. They must love their job, they probably meet every six months and everyone throws a date in the hat for each region, probably pick their lotto numbers with the results and screw with all of us. Also, if you know the answers to this and send me a bunch of info about it, you should know that I don't really care and I won't read it. Like I mentioned yesterday, very short attention span.
**Some of which I made up.

How many of you still think I own a VCR? How many of you don't know what a VCR is? Congratulations you just participated in an involuntary poll for which you will not be paid. I'm going to do something amazing with this research. Like buy a new VCR.

The Post The World Has Almost All Been Waiting For...

I  had such a fascinating weekend that I wanted to write this really long and interesting post about it but turns out I have a very short span of attenti

My Imaginary World...

Most of the time I live in the real world but on occasion, all the time, I live in my world. Which is imaginary and I always win. Also, I am beautiful, talented, sporty and my repartee is unparalleled. Sometimes I even give myself super tough nicknames like Rock, Ice, Sloan...and Steve.

I have imaginary competitions with girls that are trying to steal my imaginary boyfriends and we face off on various tasks and I am supremely good at all of them. And I have super cool speeches and comebacks and I always finish with "In your face, bitch". And I never run away and hide like I would if I did that in real life.  Also, these girls are having a bad day with bloat.  I am not.  Did I mention that my hair is super shiny?

Turns out I am awesome at hiphop dance-offs, parachuting*, pole dancing**, karate***, chess and high wire acrobatics.  Which is good because no one ever wants to battle me in my real world accomplishments.  Like Scrabble.  Which is a shame because (A) I am very good and (B) I have some pretty harsh "Yo Momma" scrabble disses****.  Also, my ability to...actually Scrabble was it.

Thanks to my friend, Pharnell Phyler***** for suggesting I write about this.  And for not laughing at my imaginary imaginings.  Much. 

*Even when the chute doesn't open because the imaginary girl who is trying to steal my imaginary boyfriends sabotaged me
**I do at least know the moves.  I just can't do all of them in the real world. 
***Pronounced the way Ross said it in "Friends".  Who knows what I'm talking about?
****I have no clue what I am saying..."Yo Momma so bad at Scrabble she thinks asdkljalsdqnweryuzsf is a word".   55 points.  Nice one, Momma.  
*****Anyone that thinks that is his real name will have to fight me in my imaginary world.  We will use nunchucks for that is the weapon to fight stupidity with.

Doing My Taxes

...or more accurately, not doing my taxes. You know when you sell some of your hard-won stock to pay off your student loan and you don't remember if tax was withheld because you don't really know what that means and you have a financial adviser and you think he should just fix everything? Well, that didn't happen to me, that happened to a "friend". Who looks like me. Lets call her Chelsea Handler* So now my friend, Chelsea can't seem to do her own taxes and needs an accountant. Which sounds expensive.

Chelsea has plans for that tax refund that are starting to look a lot like more of a payment than a refund. Now how will she:

• Quit her job and go to Design School for Designing Stuff
• Open that bar in Mexico
• Retire
• Pay for surfing lessons for the whole family in Hawaii - not you, Albert
• Buy more shoes.  Chelsea has a shortage of shoes**
• Buy a pony***
• Get wings tattooed all over her back 
• Save the children at the orphanage**** 
• Have a birthday party at Disneyland.

Next year I'm not going to do taxes.  Neither is Chelsea.  We're making a stand against the IRS.  Pretty sure we're going to win. 

*See previous posts. Or alternatively, start reading previous posts.
**As long as shortage means less than 200
***What?  Who doesn't want a pony.  And if you've read previous posts, you will know that I can ride very proficiently.
****Chelsea is very philanthropic.  As long as it does not interfere with shoe acquisition 

Children's Birthday Parties

My friend invited me to her 3 year old son's birthday party and it was going to be at the LA Zoo which was very exciting. I was going to bring my hip flask, take the birthday cake and sit in a corner and just talk to the animals. Apparently for $8,000 they will bring you a tiger cub to pet but my friend is very cheap and would not buy me some tiger cub quality time.

Anyway, for those that don't know the great tragedy that hit LA last week - we had four days of rain and she had to go to Plan B which was a specialty kids birthday party company called Giggles 'N Hugs *.

I had planned to go to yoga, rush home and shower then head off to the party and be there right on time at 2pm. Turns out party started at 1pm which left me 30 minutes to drive the 30 minute drive home, shower and then drive the 40 minutes to the venue which left me with a deficit of 1019 hours.** So we came to a mutually beneficial agreement that allowed neither of us to feel guilty. I offered up the gift I had bought her son for her to give him thus saving her the time of running off to the mall and I got a hall pass. Everybody wins! I need yoga more than I need pizza and I only know how to talk to cats. Not adults.

But being the good friend I am, I offered to help put together the party favor gift boxes. The theme was the movie Madagascar, so we had animal crackers, animal stickers, lollipops and toy animals. I put myself in charge of creating appropriate animal pairings for the boxes. Because 3 year olds notice things like that. I think I did an excellent job and should probably go into business creating animal pairings for kids birthday party gift boxes that have a Madagascar theme.

Selection of the potential animals - 3 to a box.  In a perfect world, they would all be exotic animals, however sometimes people accidentally buy dogs.  So, now everyone gets a dog and two exotics.  Honestly, I'm a little afraid for some of the dogs...

A Tiger and a Collie Dog and a...black and white animal.  I think it's a Tapir but I don't know what that is.  A party favor box*** for the person who guesses it correctly.  Photobomb - Level: Parrot and Camel.  German Shepherd is clearly on guard and looking in the wrong direction.

This is obviously one of those therapy dogs, trying to bring the zebra and Leopard closer together.  "can we all just start by looking each other in the eye?" Quite frankly, I don't blame the zebra for being a bit standoffish.  Friendly overtures in the past have resulted in being eaten.

This camel is called Raju.  When I was in India, I rode on a camel named Raju.  We rode through the desert and Raju dragged me through the only tree for miles.  It was prickly and had a snake hanging down from it.  Raju caused me to lose my dignity in front of a snake.  We didn't really get along.  He spat at me, I spat back.  Not to scale.

Sausage dog meets giraffe.  Sausage dog gives giraffe napoleon complex.  Sausage dog is apparently a giant sausage dog.

Feel like this is a movie yet to be made...my money's on the gorilla.

That's because I saw the fight.

Take that bitches...rawr.

This is like the scorpion and the turtle fable.  The turtle agrees to take the scorpion across the river despite severe misgivings about being stung half way across and both of them dying.  Due to the inherent nature of the scorpion, his misgivings are well founded.  Here, the anteater tries to talk the turtle out of it, but the turtle has low self-esteem so tries to please everyone and insists on helping out the large cat whose breed is unidentifiable due to him being made out of plastic.  I can't show you what happened - it's too distressing.  But surprise surprise, there was no river and the turtle had his throat ripped out by the cat and the anteater wants to go in a different party bag.

Actually - turns out it was a murder pact between these two and the anteater was using reverse psychology on the turtle. 

Panther and giant frog get to know each other.  Panther is wondering why the frog is so big given that the largest frog in the world, the Goliath frog  reaches a max of 3kg and 13 inches long.  Panther is sidling away as clearly this is a frog that has been eating toxic waste and has grown abnormally large and panther is smart enough to know that this can only end badly.  Panther requests a different party bag.  Panther is denied.  Panther does not make it through to the end of the party.  Child only receives two animals.

The fancy party favor gift boxes.

The party favor gift boxes for the kids we don't like. 

The party favor lollipop for the kid that wasn't even invited and was just passing through the mall.

*I keep wanting to call this Shits 'n Giggles which is clearly not right although I'm thinking with a bunch of kids running around, drinking soda and eating candy, it's probably not too far from the truth. Although back to front as pretty sure no one is giggling after the...well you know what I mean.
**Or thereabouts.  Did this in my head so might be a little off...
***And by party favor box, I mean nothing.

Language...and Texting

I was having a conversation with a friend last week who was passionately trying to explain her approach to managing expectations of certain people and at the end she pointed out that "it's not brain science!" "Damn right", I replied. "I totally agree. And what is Brain Science*?" Turns out it's a combination of "Rocket Science" and "Brain Surgery"** and an on the spot unintentional invention that might have just proven that language and saying the right thing is actually "Rocket Brain Surgery Science."

I've decided that I love Brain Science and I am now working it into every sentence I can. You should too.  Let's start something new. 

Examples:

• Hey Special K, how's your day going? Pretty good, just over here doing some brain science.
• Hi Special K, I'd like to go over your 2014 performance goals. Sure. 1. Do more brain science.
• You have a dentist appointment at 3pm. Well, I sure would like to make that but I have a clash with an appointment to get more brain science.
• What do you prefer - brain science or cake? Brain science says cake***.
• What are you doing? You wouldn't understand, it's brain science.

On a side note, I really wanted to write a post about the way auto-correct screws up what are trying to say in text messages. Except that this never happens to me. So I would be making stuff up and this blog is built on the truth and very little embellishment****. Auto-correct mix-ups are very popular with lots of websites out there and if I wasn't so lazy, I would look them up and list them for you.

And then just when I was thinking this never happened to me, it happened to me. I'm going to tell you right now, it's not even mildy amusing so don't get your hopes up for a hilarious time that will make your day. In fact, just skip right over.

I was texting with my trainer and we were talking about this very blog and I mentioned that I wrote it for me right now, which is good because I'm certainly not writing it for all the money that I'm getting. I explained that it was a comfort to me, which came out as "conifer". Which is clearly not comforting. It's a prickly fir tree. Nothing comforting about that. Mildly ironic and vaguely uninteresting. I'll let you know if I have any more.

*Looked it up on Wikipedia and there were variations but nothing specifically called Brain Science so it clearly is not a thing. Because Wikipedia is like the law.
**The usual go to's for comparing something that's not hard to something that is. In case you are stupid and didn't know this.
***This is the only instance in which you should not mix brain science with something,. It might talk you out of eating cake. And that would be a mistake.
****Very very not true.